Lupin the Third in This Was Your Life!
by Lummox
Summary: This is in now way related to the game show. Lupin comes down with a Terminal illness, and Fujiko won't stand for his moping.
1. Not the doctor! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Lupin the Third in:  
  
"This Was Your Life!"  
  
Starring:  
  
Arsene Lupin, III  
  
Daizuke Jigen  
  
Goemon Ishikawa  
  
Fujikakes-I, --I mean, FujiKO Mine  
  
Inspector Zenigata  
  
Minor Roles:  
  
Dr. Juan Rocuerto  
  
Old, putzy receptionist  
  
Author's note and Debriefing:  
  
(Eew, I didn't mean that! Put thoes back on.)  
  
That aside...  
  
I've only begun to watch Lupin the Third on Cartoon Network. Most of the characters are off character a bit. But then again, nobody is assigned a personality in real life, right? Right. I don't own Lupin the Third. I never did own Lupin the Third. If I did, I'd make them shave their knuckles and make Fujiko wear a slip. JUST a slip.  
  
And, without further ado and crap like that:  
  
LET THE STORY BEGIN!!!  
  
Chapter 1: No.NOT THE DOCTER! ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
  
The day started out peaceful. Goemon was sitting in a corner of their hotel room sharpening his sward. Jigen was busy shuffling his cards, as bored as usual. It would have been a peaceful, serene day if not for the loud, piercing shriek from down the hall.  
  
"No! No, you can't make me," Lupin hollered as he was being dragged down the hall by Fujiko, kicking and screaming.  
  
"Oh, quit being a baby," Fujiko sighed. "You haven't gone to a check- up in I don't know how long, and you're going whether you like it or not."  
  
Fujiko had to yank him by the leg, as Lupin's hands were tightly clamped on the railing. "You can't do this," Lupin cried, "there should be a law!"  
  
Fujiko smirked. "There is," she said. "But we're criminals already, so it really shouldn't matter."  
  
Lupin foolishly loosened his grip, giving Fujiko the opportunity to grab him and drape him over her shoulder.  
  
"Hey! Put me down," he yelled, "this is degrading!"  
  
"You want to act like an infant, than I'll treat you like one," Fujiko remarked.  
  
Lupin, being the ever-vigilant lecher that he knew he was, had a few.ideas floating through his head. He smiled and giggled pervertedly.  
  
"Be good," Fujiko said, "Or I'll break another law."  
  
PART TWO!!!  
  
Fujiko and Lupin drove down the road. Lupin was pissed royally. He sat in the passenger's seat with his arms crossed and a sour look plastered to his face. He did look up at Fujiko once and a while, only to "Humph!" and stick his nose in the air.  
  
"I know you're going to hate me for this, but it's for your own good," Fujiko said. "I mean, you've been having violent coughing fits for the past few weeks. And it all started after that trip to Bermuda. I think you could have picked up a jungle disease or something."  
  
"Coughing fits? I have not had cou-" Unfortunately, Lupin's argument was backed up by a cough attack that was so harsh that it shook the car, making Fujiko panic and swerve for a moment. Then her heart rate lowered and she regained control.  
  
"See, that's what I mean!" Fujiko wiped her cheek of the saliva and- yech-phlegm that was adhered to her. "And I hope you aren't contagious, because if you are, I'll be sure to return the favor!"  
  
The car slowed at an old, shabby looking building with a plaque that read: HOSPITAL. As soon as they were parked, Fujiko got out and helped Lupin up, as the last fit had him dazed.  
  
Inside the building was a reception desk and a secretary who looked like she should have been buried six years ago.  
  
"Arsene Lupin to see Dr. Juan Rocuerto." Fujiko said.  
  
"Huh? Oh, oh. You want to see the doctor? Okay, just a minute." The secretary waddled over top the phone and dialed.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"---."  
  
"Hello? Speak up, I can't hear you."  
  
"------------."  
  
"No, I don't want a subscription to the Times, I-"  
  
"----------!"  
  
"Oh, doctor, it's you. See, I thought-"  
  
"----! ----- -----!!!!"  
  
"Okay, okay. You don't need to yell. I'm old, not deaf."  
  
The secretary nodded and said, "The doctor will see you now."  
  
Lupin coughed again. "Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard- !"  
  
The doctor was a man somewhere hanging by his 40's, with black hair scrunched under gray fringes. He wore a blue coat and a huge, warm smile wrapped in his fat, age-worn features.  
  
"This is the doctor?" Lupin scratched his head.  
  
Fujiko smiled. "Not only that, but he's a special doctor, who's here to-"  
  
"I knew it!" Lupin grabbed his head and began trembling. "You took me to an Asylum! Well you'll never take me alive!"  
  
Fujiko growled and stomped on his foot. "As I was SAYING-UH.he's a special doctor that caters to criminals. A 'Doctor of the Underworld,' if you will."  
  
Lupin hunched and mourned the loss of the feeling in his poor foot. "Why didn't you just say so?" he whimpered.  
  
"I would if you'd LET ME!"  
  
End of chapter one.  
So, what do you think? Please, hold all your rotten tomatoes and various other expired foods until after the program. ( 


	2. Take two of these and see me in the Morn...

Chapter 2:  
  
Take two of these and see me in the morning.  
  
Lupin hesitantly walked into the doctor's office. Dr. Rocuerto wore an annoyingly endless smile, which made Lupin uneasy.  
  
"Maybe if you're good, the doctor will give you a Lollipop." Fujiko smirked, and waved goodbye. Lupin shot her a dirty look.  
  
Lupin sat on the examination table, which was covered in mold. There were charts of every conceivable anatomical part of the human body. There was a scale model of the muscular structure of the human head (which looked awfully real, and made Lupin wonder just what the doc does with bad patients). And on the good doctor's desk was a book entitled: "How I did it." If nothing else, Lupin kind of expected Igor to come in, dragging a fresh corpse.  
  
The doctor laughed. "That book is a novelty item," he explained. "The pages are blank!"  
  
Lupin was kind of relieved. There was still the matter of whether the hypodermic needle was sterile or not.  
  
Lo and behold, Dr. Rocuerto had retrieved a needle from his desk.  
  
"All right, Mr. Lupin," he coaxed, "Just imagine yourself in a happy place."  
  
From in the waiting room, Fujiko tried desperately to read a magazine, though her nerves were constantly rattled by the muffled screams from in the doctor's office. "Don't struggle, Lupin," she called. "It'll only make the pain worse."  
  
With needles removed and Lupin gagged with a latex glove, the doctor put a drop of blood on a microscope slate and examined it.  
  
Indeed, Lupin had a virus, but something was strange about this strand. It was different than any bronchitis infection that he'd ever seen.  
  
"This is very odd," Dr. Rocuerto reported. "I need to run a few tests. Why don't you come back bright and early tomorrow morning?"  
  
"Sure, doc," Lupin said uneasily. "Whatever you say."  
  
"That's the ticket! Now I want you to get lots of rest. Nobody got over a cold by gallivanting about."  
PART 2:  
  
NEXT MORNING  
  
Lupin slept like a baby. It was either exhaustion from coughing so hard, or it was something from off of that damn needle. Lupin still couldn't shake the fact that it may have not been sterilized.  
  
Fujiko had the car ready just in time for Goemon and Jigen to drag him out of bed. Lupin was too tired to speak in legible sentences, so the two just let him babble to his heart's content.  
At the doctor's office, the four had to wait half an hour because the receptionist "had never seen the two new gentlemen who were with them."  
  
The doctor had a very serious look on his face when they finally arrived. "Um, Mr. Lupin, can I speak to you alone, please?"  
  
"Yeah, sure." Lupin had a curious look on his face. He joined the doctor ant closed the door.  
  
"What's up, Doc?" He asked. He was waking up, that was his first joke of the day.  
  
The doctor exhaled deeply, like he was releasing a lot of stress. " Okay, now look. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but."  
  
The group was sitting in the waiting room for over an hour. Once and a while, they all thought they could hear loud sobbing. They decided it would be best to lay off the jokes and be a bit helpful once Lupin came out.  
  
Finally, the miraculous time came when a red-cheeked Lupin emerged from the doctor's office. His face was lower than it had ever been. He looked exceedingly depressed.  
  
He shuffled out of the doctor's office, hanging his body in front of him.  
  
"Remember, take it easy." The doctor had a very sad look on his face as well.  
  
"So, Lupin," Fujiko said. "How did.it.go?"  
  
Fujiko's voice trailed off as Lupin walked slowly past her, without saying a word.  
  
"What's wrong?" Fujiko asked in a quiet voice.  
  
Lupin swallowed his tears. "I have a fatal disease," he said.  
Fujiko nearly fell over, like the words "fatal disease" had punched her in the gut.  
  
"Oh, Lupin, I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't know."  
  
Lupin sighed. "Let's just go," he said. 


	3. Nobody likes Irony It just is

Author's Note: Wowie-Zowie! Four reviews and -hopefully- still coming! I'm not sure how to continue the story, except that I have a few jokes memorized. That's all.  
  
Oh yeah, and I'm changing the rating to PG-13 (for language). I mean, this -is- Lupin we're talking about, right?  
  
And now:  
  
CHAPTER 3: Nobody Likes Irony. It Just Is.  
  
Fujiko, Jigen and Goemon sat on the settee in the hotel room. Neither one had anything good going for them at the moment.  
  
Indeed, it was a rare moment for Goemon. For once in his free time, he wasn't spending it sharpening his sword.  
  
Fujiko sighed. "I'm definitely going to miss him, no questions asked." She had a very miserable look on her face.  
  
"Yeah, we sure have been through some weird shit together," Jigen said. "Life's.life's sure gonna be different when he's gone."  
  
"As well as empty," Goemon sighed, burying his head in his sleeves.  
  
Then, something drove Fujiko to go and try to visit Lupin. He had locked himself in the bedroom. Fujiko got up and knocked on the door.  
  
".What?" Lupin's muffled voice answered.  
  
"Can I see you?" Fujiko asked, pressing her ear to the door to hear his response.  
  
"The door's unlocked," Lupin called.  
  
Fujiko tried the door. So it was. It must have been unlocked the whole time. She let herself in.  
  
Lupin was buried underneath the covers. He hadn't even taken the time to change his clothes.  
  
Fujiko swallowed what seemed like a boulder in her throat. With her pride dissolving in her stomach, she sat down on the bed next to him.  
  
"Tough break, huh?" She sighed as if to lead up to something. "I mean, you think you've got it made, then life throws you a damn curve-ball."  
  
Lupin didn't say anything.  
  
"Is it.contagious?" Fujiko asked.  
  
Then, in a alarming bash, Jigen burst into the room and grabbed Fujiko by the ear.  
  
"Ow, OW! Jigen, let me go," Fujiko waved her arms, trying to loosen Jigen's death grip on her ear. "What did I do?"  
  
Jigen dragged her out of the room. "That guy's going to pass away in six- to-eight months, and you ask him 'is it contagious'? Don't you think he's in enough anguish already?"  
  
Fujiko snapped her head, as if it had just hit her. Only an idiot would ask such a question!  
  
She lowered her head and walked back into Lupin's room. "S-sorry," she stammered. "I guess this came as sort of a shock and I didn't know what I was saying."  
  
Lupin just rolled over. "Just so you know," he hissed, "the doctor said the disease is not transmittable in any way. Lucky me."  
  
Fujiko lowered her head in shame and walked slowly out of the room.  
  
Lupin needed time alone.  
So, as we can see, there are some things that should never be asked.  
  
You like? I like! I also loved the reviews! I've even received a personal E-Mail! I didn't know I was that famous! 


	4. Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scourned

Author's Note:  
  
To answer animefreak5483, no Lupin is not going to die. I wouldn't do that! Come on. Anywho, this is the tricky chapter. I start to write in Zenigata's role in all this. I'm kinda making this up as I go along.  
  
And now,  
  
Chapter 4: "Never more! BRAAWWWK!"  
  
Zenigata wiped the sweat off of his brow. Today was going to be a hot one, no questions asked. He mumbled something about Lupin suspended over a giant blender and sat down at his desk.  
  
"Damn Lupin," he muttered. "If it wasn't for him, I'd be retired by now." Zenigata's mind drifted off as he imagined himself on a southern Floridian beach. He sighed and took a sip of his lemonade, only to find it thicker and darker than it should be.  
  
"Blech!" Zenigata spat out the ink from his pen.  
  
The old inspector laid his head on his fist. When will it end, this insane game of cat and mouse?  
---"Lupin's been in his room for three days straight," Fujiko said. "He hasn't even eaten."  
  
"Do you blame him?" Jigen decided to play the devil's advocate. "I mean, if I was going to die soon, I'd wand some time to come to terms with it myself, you know?"  
  
"Yes, but if Lupin doesn't eat soon, he'll die even sooner than expected." Fujiko argued.  
  
"She does have a point," Goemon interjected.  
  
In his room, Lupin had been crying, though he'd never tell anyone. If people thought he was getting soft, they'd walk all over him.  
  
There was a knock on his door. Fujiko was determined, he'd give her that..  
  
"What?" Lupin snapped.  
  
Fujiko decided to disguise her voice to -hopefully- get a laugh out of him.  
  
(Author's interruption: imagine Fujiko imitating an annoying Brooklyn woman.)  
  
"Room soivece," Fujiko squawked. "Are ya decent, sweethaht?"  
  
"Enter," was Lupin's only response.  
  
The lights were dimmed, the blinds on the window were taped shut, and on the bed sat Lupin, huddled up in the confusion of blankets. His eyes were red and his eyelids drooped. He just stared at her, his eyes paralyzed in one spot. Suddenly, Fujiko felt as though she was entering a scene from Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven".  
  
Fujiko was about to say something, but Lupin spoke first.  
  
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,  
  
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,  
  
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,  
  
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.  
  
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door --  
  
Only this, and nothing more."  
  
Fujiko gulped and backed away slowly out of the door.  
  
"I think he's having a breakdown," Fujiko said between frightened shivers. It wasn't Lupin's adopted Goth appearance, but Fujiko's fear that he may actually be becoming mentally unstable.  
  
The thought of losing Lupin made them all sad. Fujiko had actually cried in bed.  
  
Lupin had been there since the beginning. If he were gone, Fujiko couldn't live with it.  
  
Then something burned in Fujiko's heart. Lupin might be slipping, but he wasn't going to pout for six-to-eight months.  
  
"No," Fujiko growled.  
  
She slammed the door open. Lupin jumped in fright, drawing the covers over his eyes.  
  
"Look," Fujiko said, yanking Lupin by his wrists so she was eye-level with him. "You can feel bad. I can understand that. But no way in hell are you going to sit here and mope for the next eight months! Now get up!"  
  
Lupin shot off the bed and stood straight on the floor. He was buck naked. Fujiko's eyes widened and she looked away. "Now get dressed," she said, peeking once.  
  
Lupin was fully dressed and ready to get out of the dark room. Fujiko opened his door.  
  
"So," Jigen said. "How'd it go?"  
  
"He'll be fine," Fujiko said.  
  
Lupin walked out of the room.  
  
"Now let's all go and get something to eat," Fujiko said cheerfully,  
  
"Do what she says," Lupin hissed nervously. 


End file.
